Sometimes I feel like writing...sometimes Ifeel like typing. Right now I feel like typing... or maybe I just don't want to turn the light on in my room (4am)
I think I still have residual effects from my experience at the church in New York City two summers ago...
I am reflecting on it... and for the first time in my life (that I can think of) I was really trying to put myself out there in a ministry setting. I had finally been growing a love for the Church, and I wanted to grow more in that... I enjoyed the church (Grace Community) in Michigan, and I wanted to connect to the church in NYC, and learn how to fellowship, behave as a church family unit, etc...
Expectations were set up that I didn't know how to respond to, because I had never experienced them.
I felt discouraged and overwhelmed. I knew I needed alone time, time to process; when I wasn't allowed, I would get restless and more discouraged. Then as criticism poured in with no mentorship or encouragement... I began to withdraw.
I wanted to be able to serve the church in a way that was natural... that God had gifted me... not because of expectations... or wanting to avoid criticism.
I think that my strongest means of interacting with the church were two main things- ministering to my peers and adults through discussion of the bible, encouragement, teaching, etc
... ministering to the kids through teaching and the bible... and just hanging out with them.
I loved the bible studies. The small church that I attended was actually a church plant of the main church... and they had a bible study every Tuesday. Unfortunately, by the end of things~ I stopped attending that, because I was so discouraged that I no longer even wanted to. But when I did go, it was great food for my soul. I was also becoming more connected with people there, slowly but surely.
The other thing I absolutely loved was teaching the kids on Wed nights. I poured myself into that!! I was a teacher once a week for an hour, and I had so much fun developing ways to teach them, and presenting the gospel and Christ as a great treasure... I loved it. It 's really what jump-started my realization of wanting to move more in the "teaching" direction than the "counseling" direction.
I also enjoyed being with the youth... those kids were fun.
But the expectations in different areas were so strong, that I not only didn't have the chance to serve in the ways I would have hoped... but I also was scolded for focusing on ways I was drawn to serve, rather than the ways I "ought to have" served.
I was scolded at a bridal shower because I was interacting with the other interns (we had just gotten there and didn't even know each other, and we tried to chat with one another). We were told that it was expected that we would try to get to know other people at the church.
So next time we attended a bridal shower, I hung out with some of the kids, and kept them entertained. That was very natural for me, and I enjoyed it- but I felt on edge for much of the time, wondering if I would get scolded later because I was hanging w/ them instead of "getting to know" the Bride-to-be. Later I was actually told that they were pleased because I was doing what they desired. I really didn't feel encouraged though, because I wasn't doing it to please them- I was doing it because I enjoyed it and wanted to.
I think what made things so much more crazy for me, was my past experiences/thoughts I was already bringing into the situation- which no one really knew about. I think the three biggest mistakes I made that summer were- not fervently demanding a mentor/accountability/prayer partner... and trying to stay beyond my 3 month internship in NYC (fueled mostly by a desire to prove something I think).... and trying to meet everyone's expectations and please everyone, and withdrawing when I realized I couldn't. All of these mistakes took my focus off of Christ and being fully "there"... and led to much discouragement and unneeded heart ache.
I am grateful for the experience though, I did learn much from many godly people in that church, and I learned much about myself. Desires I know I kind of had were cemented and grown...
God has done wonders in me in the last year. I have learned so much, and grown a lot. I don't believe I'm upset or bitter toward the church anymore, but I do think I still have some more healing to do...
The first time I set my foot in a church, a few months after all of this happened (so later in the fall 2009) I became physically sick. And it was the church that I was connecting to before I left for NYC (buthe situation in NYC had emotionally torn me apart so severely, most certainly revealing spiritual issues- that I was physicaly sick.
God continued to heal me, and I began to get myself into church communities again, I didn't continue attending Grace Community, but I did go into churches. For the most part I tried to stay in the background, avoided getting really involved.
Coming to Korea was a huge step of faith for me. Getting back into ministry... teaching English at a Christian English School. Being willing to venture here was huge for me...after what happened in NYC. I wondered- would I be able to handle it? What if I wasn't super good at it, would I be discouraged (like I was in NY?) ... I prayed and prayed and accepted the job... and God has been so faithful :) I have done well teaching, and I truly enjoy it. And I know it's not something I could do at ALL apart from the strength God supplies.
It has given me encouragement, that God can and will use me for his kingdom... and that I don't have to let the fear of man (wanting to people please) tie me down from serving. It is clear to me that this fear was the main issue I struggled with in NYC. And it's not completely gone- I still have issues with people-pleasing, but I am learning, God is the greatest teacher.
I could use prayer though about getting involved in church ministry again... while I am involved in ministry by serving at the school, getting involved in a church body is so important as well.
I find that I still wrestle with involvement though- especially since the churches here are small, and I can't just blend in- I'd HAVE to be involved. And I believe that's actually a good thing- I need to be pushed and I need to grow, and I am sure God will use this situation to help me fall more in love with Him and His people.
So current prayer requests:
to Love God more and more and more and more...
to know He is the greatest and only treasure
No matter what happens, He always IS... and I'm his child...so, what more could I ask for?
to have an abundant prayer life... to be restless if I don't spend time with Him....
to Love His people (my brothers and sisters) in such a selfless way, that I desire to be at church and be involved with them... rather than fearing expectations and discouragement.
Thank you :)
